Callin'​

"Callin'" is a song I wrote when I first moved to Los Angeles in 2021. It was a very tough transition moving across the country from Vermont - I knew little to no people in LA, I had just gone through a very difficult breakup, I was living with strangers, and I was navigating a new career path I honestly didn’t know much about.

To cope, I found myself completely romanticizing my past and putting this person on a very high pedestal. I was constantly telling myself “I’ll never love again”, “I messed everything up”, ‘I’m not enough”, “They’re the only one who’ll ever love me”, “I’ll never move on” yada yada yada

I wholeheartedly believed that the pain I was enduring was the universe trying to tell me something - “maybe I never should’ve moved to LA”, “maybe I should just give up on all my dreams”, “maybe if I move back to the east coast we can be together again and everything will be how it’s supposed to be and I’ll feel okay again”.

So, instead of questioning or feeling guilty about it, I kind of just embraced it. I began allowing myself to feel EVERYTHING - every difficult emotion, every stupid delusion, and every self-deprecating thought that went through my brain. Until one night I gave in. I called the person I shouldn’t have called. I talked to them for hours. I truly felt the happiest I had felt in months. Then we hung up and I started crying. I wrote down “Oh god, I get sad when you call me, even though this callin’ thing was kind of my idea”.

When we’re heartbroken, for some reason it’s so hard for us to see that it’s going to be okay, even though deep down we know that it will. This song captures that delusional state we take oh so much comfort in when we’ve lost something that we care about it. It’s just part of the process of letting go.